Fuck Xanga.

For nearly all of the semester, this is how I've felt.

I'm so stressed out from all the work I've signed myself up for, the pressure from parents to get scholarships and a great summer job, nearly getting kicked off campus next semester, worrying about having a car here on campus eventually (which looks like is going to have to happen, even though I don't really want it to) that I feel like I'm gonna have a complete freaking breakdown every single day.  That's actually what made me want to blog, the fact that I feel like I'm eventually just gonna completely fucking crack.  In addition to this, I never get enough sleep thanks to my fucked up sleep schedule (MTWTFSS-(1030)(730)(1030)(730)(1230)(1230)(1230)), I find myself increasingly uninterested in my major of choice (which makes it ridiculously hard to motivate myself to do anything, leading to me wasting more time than I spend working), and my diet sucks thanks to the fact that Baker gives you a choice between badly made healthy food and badly made junk food most of the time (or making your own sandwich, which is probably 90% of my diet at this point).  I never eat breakfast, which is a habit I picked up at OSSM, so I feed 17 hrs of the day on 2 meals, leading to routine overeating.  I've never been a neat freak, so my hygiene is the first thing to go when I find myself in need of extra time to get shit done, or relax after pushing myself through the latest assignment.  The compulsive need I've had for the last few years to play every fucking game worth looking at strikes me on a daily basis, but since I never feel like I have time to do it, I end up somewhere between being productive and being happy.  I feel lonely all the time, especially on the weekends because Rice is a wet campus and I don't drink (not a drop in my life, and I don't plan to).  I've never had a relationship in my entire fucking life, which is probably the saddest part of all of this, and I feel like doing something about that every day, but STILL FEEL LIKE I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME.  In addition to this, I seem to get really tired right around 6PM most days, no matter how much sleep I got the night before.  I suspect I have CFS or something similar, but my mother (who is a nurse) refuses to believe me, and insists that if I just do my nosesprays more and sleep more, I'll have more energy.  I've checked, and it's often not an airflow or sleep issue, because even when I'm breathing fine and it's the weekend, the same fucking thing happens.  WOW isn't fucking helping my situation either, since (as stupid as this sounds) I feel like I have a commitment to my guildmates to be on and do shit, which eats up more of my time.  I'm not even sure I have fun playing it anymore, but I know I wouldn't have a problem being on if I could manage my time well enough to do it as much as I'd like.  I'm so afraid/lazy/procrastinating about jobs and scholarships that I put them off until they are way too fucking late (I barely got the ONE I applied for this semester in on time, as in, it got there the exact day it was due).  I want a job on campus but feel like I should apply around to other places first.  I am 90% sure the prof who I did a research seminar with will give me a job, but he's a legendary hardass and I'm afraid I won't be up to his standards.  I feel like I don't really understand most of my classes these days, and am merely coasting through (a fact which worries me because I know I'll probably need this shit when I get into grad school or a job).  This in particular is a big problem for me, since I felt really connected to my subjects before, and that was why I liked them. 

I had a class lesson and homework on SCREWS AND FASTENERS.  Do you have any idea how boring that is? Do you know what it's like to have something like that and come out of it feeling CONFUSED?
SCREWS AND FASTENERS CONFUSE ME.  WHAT THE FUCK. 

There's a subject I frequently skip because the combination of the most boring subject on the planet (Heat Transfer) and quite possibly the worst teacher since Jayanta Rudra have created an unbearable abomination against education. 

Most of my Mech Eng friends are juniors since I'm a year ahead in my classes, and will be doing senior design next year, but I won't be because my plan is to work on my CAAM degree more next year and save senoir design for my senior year.  Which means I'll need to find new people to group with on that. Fun.

I'm still President of the gaming club, which comes with it's own responsibilities and time consuming bullshit, and since most of the core of the club will be graduating in the next couple of years and not many new people are coming inthe club's future is becoming severely jeopardized.

I want to listen to more music, especially live (I've never been to a concert).
I want to see more movies, especially at the Rice Theater or the Angelika.
I want to see the museums in Houston.
I want to travel.
I want a relationship and a real social life. 
I want to read more.
I want the constant stream of shit that is my life to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN if it's not going to stop.
I want to really learn more, and about subjects I'm actually interested in.
I want to live up to my potential.
I want to have time for side projects (Once upon a time, I started learning how to program games and built models). 
I want a better wardrobe.
I want to help the other people in my life like I was once able to, but I'm so fucked up right now I can't help anybody.
I want a career I will be happy with, and no more miserable holdover jobs.
I want the same career to be fulfilling, and make me feel like I'm making a difference, or at least some progress.
I want to get involved politically, and try to make a difference in the fucked up situation of the world.
I want to finish my self-examination (although realistically that's likely to never happen, in which case I'd at least like to continue getting better at knowing myself).
I want time to meditate.
I don't want to be a stereotype or a hack, or what people expect me to be.
I don't ever want to be angry or stressed ever again.
I don't want to lose any of the things that were important to me when I was younger, or any of the things that are important to me now.
I don't want to lose touch with any of my friends.
I don't want to waste any more time. 

And almost none of this I can give serious thought to right now with a ton of shit looming constantly looming over my head. I have not had any kind of serious time outside of work and stress relief in a very long time, and I'm fucking tired of it.  I want to get back to living.


There must be some kind of way out of here,
Said the joker to the thief.
There's too much confusion,
Can't get no relief.

I've been home for a week now, and all I've really done is sit around playing WoW and filling out job applications.  I haven't really seen any of my old friends, and Steven is the only one I still keep up with, so I feel awkward talking to anyone else.  I see people around that I recognize, but haven't seen for three years.  I mean, what do you say in that situation? What do you do? I don't know, and since I left Rice I've felt really lonely.  I mean, to have a group of friends and then suddenly come home and have that group of friends gone sucks.  When I was at school I told myself "It'll be cool, you can go home and see all your old friends."  But most of them I haven't seen in three years, and through some combination of laziness and depression, haven't gone out to see despite multiple opportunities home from college.  And you know what? I hate myself for it.  I hate myself for it, but I don't want to be alone, so I guess I better get over the awkwardness.  It's just such a shock to the system, to see someone you haven't seen in 3 years out of the blue one day, like at Pizza Hut or while walking in the mall.  I feel like an asshole for not having kept in touch.  I saw Doug Rose, and he's in the military now.  That was like a slap in the face for me, skinny brainy asshole Doug talking about his leave only lasting 9 more days and heading to Iraq 6 days after that.  And he's the least of them, there are so many more people I was a lot closer to I should have talked to more.  Jeff Dacus dropped off the face of the earth, for example.  I haven't seen him in 3 years, and I doubt I ever will again.  I still feel like an asshole. You know what, this post is pretty emo too, but now, I don't fucking care.  That's what this thing is for, for venting my frustration and anxiety and emotions.  Anybody who says they never feel this way is lying out their ass. 
There, all vented out.  I'm done.